I pressured mom to come and help me. I made her cancel her other plans and dragged her all the way down here to my apartment.

We worked on the application ... and now I just have to wait. I really need this job. Or rather, I really need the money. I WANT a job just like this.

Anyways, all that's left is to hope. I'm visualizing. This is going to happen ...


---
Mr. S

Got some stuff done today.

I feel ... so completely unfocused. I can't seem to muster any strength.

Oh well. I still figure I'll turn this around somehow.

---
Mr. S

My mom sort of let me down again today.

She made plans to visit last weekend.
She ended up having to reschedule.
I told her I was sorry to hear that.
I told her I had been looking forward to it.
And actually, I wasn't lying about that.

So we did reschedule--
But now she's let me know that she can't make it this weekend, either.

There aren't really a whole lot of people I can depend on in this world.

My parents, my sister ... her ... even Mr. Shifters ...
They've all let me down at one point or another.

(Not that I blame anyone in some specific way.)

It's just that my faith in people has been whittled down by shit like this.

I look ahead and I honestly do not know if there is anything I want from this life.

I guess I know that there's plenty I don't want--death, grief, hunger, destitution ... loneliness.
But then ... that stuff is all I can really count on, isn't it?

Today wasn't so good.

I mean, I did play the 'learn-Japanese' game.
I spent about an hour on the keyboard, too ...

It's just that I feel very removed from life.
I feel like a visitor in my own skin. Very little is real or important to me.
It's as though I don't have a reason to stay ... and yet I don't care to leave.

---
Mr. S

I spent some time with my keyboard today. I feel like I'm making progress, so that's good.

I also 'dusted off' an older videogame I used to play--one designed to teach you to read Japanese. It's amazing how much I remember.
I can think of worse ways to wile away my time.

Here's to taking life as it comes.

---
Mr. S

So, who am I?
Up until now I've only been a collection of dreams. The sum of who I wanted to be.

I need to take a good, hard look at myself. What do I really want? Or, rather, what do I want that I can really have?

This is an important issue and requires some serious deliberation.

---
Mr. S

So I have all these ideas about who I want to be. Unfortunately, today just wasn't the day for that sort change.
I didn't do a hundred sit ups or build a mook jong. I didn't study a new language or read any Shakespeare in front of my bathroom mirror.
What I did do today, though, was tidy up the kitchen AND wash the dishes after making myself some spaghetti.
It's not exactly the stuff of heroes, but I'm feeling pretty good about my baby step.

In other news, I'm still exhausted; and I'm still avoiding a few chores.
I HAVE gained literal and metaphorical strength over the last few days though.

I'll be ambitious again soon. I'm sure of it. :D

---
Mr. S

I've once again over-extended myself. I finished the kitchen today and tidied up about half the mess in the living room.

Tomorrow I finish the whole apartment.

---
Mr. S

Dishes

I'm back from my own personal Hell! I brought souvenirs ... but more on that later.

Today I washed 75% of the dishes in my kitchen.
This was a little overdue ... some of those dishes were packed dirty (over two years ago!) ...

It took me 6 hours! And, after the surgery, that's a little more activity than I can handle all at once. It was all I could do to walk the dogs.
I'm too tired to read, that's how tired I am. :S

So, the way I see it - this chore has already had two implications relevant to this blog:
1. I am trying to take care of myself now in a way that I haven't--for at least two years.
2. I am in even need of physical exercise. I need to work my way into shape. Set goals, etc.

OK, so that's all I'll write for today. Since, as I've already said, I'm tired.

---
Mr. S

Well, I'm back. Sans one gallbladder.

I'm feeling pretty good about it. But then, there are the painkillers. I'm anxious to make this a new start.

---
Mr. S

Grosse Pointe Blank

Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.

---

Marty: And I came up over this dune, and I saw the ocean... and it was on fire. The whole thing, on fire, and it was beautiful. So I just sat there and watched it, and that's when I realized there might be a meaning to life, you know, like an organic power that connects all living things, God, Yahweh, I dunno.

---

Marty:
Yeah, I wasn't exactly raised in a loving environment.
It's not an excuse, it's a reason.
You know, my soul is empty.
It's up to me to fill it.

---

Debi:
Some people say forgive and forget.
Nah, I don't know. I say
forget about forgive and just accept.
And get the hell out of town.

---

Wow, I'm a little inspired. Weirdly profound movie.
All of these quotes mirror my belief system.

Mr. S

Day 1

Going better than I expected. I haven't killed anyone yet.

Dad jumped me as soon as I showed up this morning ... Mom cornered me to chastise me about ignoring my phone ...

I nearly tore out all of my stitches--and I don't even have any until tomorrow.
Just taking it slow.

---
Mr. S

Olives

Well, I don't know quite what to think.

My life is ... not. It's a mere, measly existence. I don't belong.
I'm tired and bored with everything.

I discovered yesterday that I love Spanish olives.
I've eaten two jars already (it helps that they're the meatiest food I've had for weeks).
It's nice to have that one little reminder that there are still discoveries to be made.

But I'm still lost. How do I find my adventure? How do I engage life so that it engages me back?

I step outside and all I feel is cold. Weary.
I used to believe in magic. Or rather, I used to believe that there was magic out there for me. How do I get that back?

...

Anyways, this next week is going to be all about a surgery. I'm having my gallbladder removed. Unfortunately, I'm having this done ... in Parentsville.

*shudder

---

Mr. S

Blah

Yes, I have internet again! I forgot to pay the bill ...

Such things happen when you're not sure you should even get out of bed.

---
Mr. S

Clothes

I feel like I'm ready to make a few changes... ready to dress better, to take better care of myself... I'm just not fiscally capable.

I guess that should be my next project.
Finding a job that pays well enough I can buy pants that, you know, fit.

It may not seem like it, but this is real progress.

I grow my beard out when I'm depressed. It's been out for months now ...

It's to scare away women.
See, I don't want to 'almost meet a woman' when I'm unhappy.
Hiding behind a hideous tangle of fur is usually a good way to not even 'almost'.

Anyways, work next. Then me. Then a her.

---
Mr. S

Habits.

I guess I'm falling into old habits here. *sigh
I wanted a break, to let the "poison" leave my system ...

But now it seems that that might be a bad idea.
Anyways, the break I want is something new. Not a lot of the old, uninterrupted.

---
Mr. S

A better description of the problem.

Well, it's been a while ...

I sort of had a very dark period there. In fact, I was thinking about suicide. Suicide ... can be very appealing when you are just plain shit-out-of-luck.

Luckily I know (and have always known) that that appeal is in fact superficial - it's the proverbial airbrushed supermodel.

It may solve all of your problems, but ...
My belief? You take who you are at the moment of your death with you forever.
Whether there's a God or not, who you are when you die is the only important definition you will ever give yourself.

And anyways, it's like throwing your arm across the board when you're losing the game. It's childish and downright silly. Selfish.

Mine is a funny brain. First of all ... I'm neurotic.
I believe that every problem can be solved with a better definition of the issue.
Obstacles are not road blocks; they're just another part of the puzzle.

So when I first hit upon a few basic ideas a while back ... I started to feel better.

There were three revelations:
1. Emotions are motivation. They're like vectors - they have both a magnitude and a direction.

2. I over-plan and consistently put myself under pressure at every step.

Which is disastrous as I have absolutely no confidence (so I cave under pressure).

3. My parents are relevant to nearly all of my crises. But, oddly, only as a team:
Dad is bipolar. It took me a very long time to understand.
(Why I wasn't told about his diagnosis before I was 18, I'll never know .... )

He tries to "solve" your hobbies, your problems, your plans, etc. when he is in a better mood.
He attacks and destroys (in whatever way he can) when he is in not.

I have come to understand this and so know to adapt certain behaviors when I am in his presence.

Mom, on the other hand, is ...
Well, she's having a very hard time letting go. I am her little boy ... it hurts her to think that I might not need her.

This is actually very endearing!
But ... I am a man. I have pride.
When I am corrected I feel as if I am being told that I am flawed ... and that hurts.
*sigh

I can usually remember that mom is really only saying that she might be useful to me.
That really, she only wants me to need her.

My parents. The two of them, individually, are trying but actually very easy to get along with.
Together ... my defenses overlap and I overload. I hide from dad and I get grouchy with mom.

To sum up my third 'revelation' - my parents influence me in a negative way.
Together they are my kryptonite.

(I see this as not being their fault, but my own.
Unfortunately (as a nasty trick of fate, maybe) it is, in fact, my responsibility to lead them. Not visa versa.

After all, I know that they cannot be trusted to take care of themselves.
It has been years since I've realized as much.
This knowledge has become, in fact, something of a mantra for the way I live my life.
"The Scorpion And The Toad".)

So, I felt better knowing these things. These, I thought, were things I could work on:
1. I embraced my desire to feel better about myself.
I began to look deeper, to feel deeper into how I felt about who I was.

2. I let go of my future - deciding to let it drive me for a while.
Rather than the other way around.

3. I ... well, I nothing. I had a job.
My non-permanent position was drawing to a close anyway.
All I had to do was wait and deal with it.

I think this is where I really started to fall apart.
Why my usual anxieties began to worsen.

Their insanity became a two-fold attack: I wasn't just hurting, I was letting myself be hurt.

Ughh ... well, I've sort of rambled on here. Like I said, I'm neurotic.
It's done now, though; I'm in the Tri-Cities again.
I have my own space again.
I'm starting to feel better - as I once theorized I would.

I don't know if I've made it clear or not yet; but I want to live. I mean, I want to thrive.
Do it all, see it all, learn it all.
I'm finally a little less tangled up ... and I hope (pray, really) that I won't trip again. :)

---
Mr. S

Galbladder

Galbladder problems again.

Bleh ... the timing isn't lost on me. It seems this place ... my parents ... really are trying to eat my soul.

"If I can't have you ... "

Ughh, I am quite done with this. Saw a doctor today, seeing a specialist next Tuesday. Then an appointment for a surgery.

Why can't I be normal for once? I'm always the different one.
The nonperm extension, the history at CBC, the girlfriend thing ...
If ever they write that how-to book on life--well, I just know that I'm the guy destined to be one that it won't help.

Damn, this thing hurts.

---
Mr. S

Where's the reset level button?

I had a galstone attack today. (Or at least, I think so. Dad says I may have a hernia.)

I feel like I've fallen into a puzzle/adventure videogame.
I have to figure out the puzzle before I advance ...

And this particular room?
I have a lighter, a bike and two black lab mixes; I can push the big box around, too.
I've been stuck for 6 years.
I think I might need to buy the walkthrough.

...

Anyways, I've been doing pretty well with the "focus on what I like about myself" angle. It seems to genuinely improve my mood.

I didn't get anything done with the keyboard today.
But I'm more sure than ever that this is the right hobby. I'll make it work.
I'm thinking I may even try to specialize in the blues ...

---
Mr. S

Self-esteem

I hate myself right now ...
But there's something about me ... maybe something subtle ... that I've always sort of liked.

See, I know (and I've always known) that there's something of worth in me ... but I've never tried to define it.

I ask myself "what's wrong with me?" every. Single. Day.
Heck, I ask that question several times an hour.

But I've never asked "what's right with me?". Not until yesterday.

So ...

Whatever it is that I like sits between my shoulders. It's a way a carry myself, I think.
I'm soft. I can be tense, but that's very seldom the case.
I like Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip flops.
I prefer to be comfortable.

I like that.
It's not that I'm always relaxed. In fact, that couldn't be further from the truth.
It's that I prefer life to be simple; I like life easy.

This is something that I exercise at work. I make life easier for my coworkers wherever I can.
I do it for myself, too. I cut through the tough spots first; and then I coast through whatever's left.

It's an active, unlazy dedication to making life easier in any and every way possible--for myself and for others.

That's one thing.

I've always had a developed sense of empathy, too. I get a 'feel' for people. I can figure out how to like anyone.

Finally:
I'm eager for life. I want adventure, stories, a rush. I want to have fun.

Aside from these three ... I guess I should note that I'm a good thinker. I'm methodical; I'm good with puzzles.
I have a decent short-term memory, too.
But these particular skills have only been a source of tremendous, game-ending pressure.

I wouldn't do without them, I guess ...
But still, I don't really want to celebrate them here, like this.
They aren't things I've "always sort of liked" anyway.

So! Now to focus more regularly on these three characteristics.
I have got to remember that I believe I'm worth it.
If ever I waver I'll just focus on how much I want a partner in life ...
And I'm sure I'll find the will to push through.

---
Mr. S

Always about confidence

I broke a tooth today.
I called the dentist to schedule an appointment - but there wasn't anything available, they said; I'd have to travel to the next town.

This didn't sit well with Mom and she offered to talk to the insurance company herself ...
I did NOT want her to this. I was satisfied.
We had a bit of a tense argument.
I gave in --- and BAM!
She got me an appointment here, in city.

Made me feel like a damned fool!
Screw the insurance company, screw mom, and screw me. Aaargh!

I've been thinking.
I'm in no shape to be in a relationship right now.
But I want to be in a relationship. Right now.

I've been trying to let my desires drive me to the 'how' part (see yesterday's post):
Every problem I have ever had can be connected to my self-image.
I hate myself.
And I live in agony for it.

I want a girlfriend ... but I don't want HER to have ME.

Regina Spektor's On The Radio

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Maybe this is the essence of what it takes to love somebody.
Mr. Shifters and I believe that love is a connection that comes from giving away a piece of your soul.
Maybe this is the piece that you give ...
Either way, it's not untrue that you need to love yourself before you can ever love someone else.

Self-study is a major part of my world. It's why I believe we are on this earth.
I've always thought that I have it in me to be redeemed.
Time to figure out why.

---
Mr. S

Wanting to want to

I'm sorry; I missed two days.
I was "away from computer", really, but ... I could have tried harder.

Mr. Shifters and I had a long talk last Saturday ...

We worked on our definition of love -
Love is soul, invested in another soul; tying you to that person forever. Our addition?
If you tie yourself to another person, and then fight that connection ... love sours and eventually becomes hate.

Anyways, that's the sort of stuff we kick around.

One of those things --- could a computer ever be said to have a soul?
We imagine that AI will have to be a lot more complex than some sort of 'IF/THEN' insanity.
Eventually our talk boiled down into:
What is emotion? Really?
Yeah, not a TREMENDOUS segue; but I think it led to something nonetheless.

I've been thinking about it. What if emotion is more than a bodily response?
Suppose it's actually an answer to some of the questions posted here?

I tie myself down ALL the time. It's what I do to protect myself.
It's why I won't do drugs.
I don't want to feel out of control.

I poked around on Match.com. There's a woman on there ... everything I want.
Maybe ...
I need to embrace how much I want this.

Why should I ever do anything? Because I want to. That's all the answer I need.
Time to get out of control.
(Not with drugs. :P)

There's a lot chained to the wall up here ---
It's time to break it loose.

---
Mr. S

ps. Oh, also, I love the blues. Blues scales are fun!

Never met a trend I didn't dread

Played a few new songs on the keyboard today. One of them in particular sounds awful with both hands ... I'm fairly certain I'm doing it right, too. Maybe it's a tempo thing (I can't do it very fast yet).

I'm beginning to wonder if I can make it a whole three weeks here with my parents. I think I've gained 10 pounds in four days.
I need to figure out a way to exercise. And a way to tell Dad to stop making meals that feature hamburger grease without hurting his feelings.

Money's suddenly tight, too ...

It's weird, but it seems I already need a new gameplan.

---
Mr. S

Weekend madness

Played through the songs a couple times ... it's still fun!

I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Probably for the first time in a long time. Why? The shenanigans!

This is way out of character for me.

Maybe this is about reestablishing a connection to life and the people that live it?

... Maybe this means I've lost some patience with the boring week.

---
Mr. S

What's next?

I did pretty well today.
I didn't read any more ... but I'm going to have to slow that down, anyway.

I want to have a sense of some ability before I move on, after all.
Playing with both hands is a whole new game!

(I played with that for a long time today--and I think I'm getting the hang of the basics.)

I got everything done that I set out to do.
Now I'm wondering about my next step, relationship-wise.

---
Mr. S

Helpful book

Read a little more ...
So far, I've only been eyeballing sheet music.

I can read the music, but double notes ... and two hands? I've been skipping right over anything like that ...

This book has put an effective end to that.
This book has some great sheet music for beginners.

Big difference in difficulty ... big difference in sound. I'm on my way. :)

I answered an ad in craigslist yesterday as an "anime fan".
I may have made a friend - but what I'd really like to do is turn this one contact into a new club.

---
Mr. S

New book

Ok, so no luck on the craigslist ad.
Tons of ad-bots on there: "meet me on this other, not so free site".

The only real response I got hasn't replied to my reply.

Oh well, just gotta keep on trying. :)

I did manage to make it to the library today. I picked up a more, uh, ergonomic piano text.
This one has clipart - it will be much easier to read. :S

I'm already on page 43.
(You know, I could have sworn that the Moonlight Sonata was a Mozart piece. Beethoven was the man.)

---
Mr. S

Personal Ad on Craigslist

I decided to go for it - I put a personal ad on craigslist.
Lots of bots on the site, but at least one real person answered.

We'll see. I doubt I'll get much luck on the site, but who knows?
Women that didn't need to pay to talk to me ... seems a little less spooky this way.

Tomorrow I'll crack open the "Progressive Class Piano" textbook ...
You know, I think I'll hit up the library too. Maybe I'll print off the blues chord progression.

Anyone know the name of the "creepy carnival" song? That'd be a kick to play.

---
Mr. S

My trip to the Buddhist temple

My trip to the Buddhist temple was something of a disappointment.

I'm not sure exactly what I expected, but it wasn't what I found.
Nobody there was speaking English; nobody was white.

It felt as though I was trespassing in the last refuge of a cornered culture.

Oh well, at least now I can say I poked my head around the mystery.

---
Mr. S

Screw the silly title themes

I'm sorry for leaving this project so soon after I started it.
Life got in the way - my destiny sort of derailed.

Two of three classes were failed this semester.

I don't have that edge - I'm not fierce. I can't make things happen for myself.

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
What do I want out of life ... if I can't rely on an education to get me there?

I'm not going to lie. For a long time, the answer was nothing. I wanted nothing. To die.

I used to believe in magic, you know.
I used to believe that when it rained, it did so because some one out there needed it to.

I want that back. From here on, my reason for living will be to rediscover my reason for living. I have to believe again.

I'm going to start doing things just to get out of my skin. Tomorrow, I'll visit the Buddhist monastery. The day after, who knows?
Something wondrous and, above all, different.

I still want to play the piano ... there's magic there, I know it ...

---
Mr. S

Tomorrow

is another weekday!

A lot of things are coming to a head. I will not give up, no matter what!

---
Mr. Smith

I fell

asleep yesterday and just kept right on sleeping.
I walked the dogs and then, wham!
Hit the hay like a ton of bricks.

*sigh

It was great!
It's been awhile since I've had a full night's sleep. :D

I'm looking for some good blues music for the piano/keyboard. It's soulful. The blues progression will help me with chords; it's definitely a two-handed music.

Tomorrow I'm hitting the books with a vengeance. I'm going to study. I'm aiming for a 100%.

I got the bike trailer in the mail--this will mean being a better master to the girls (my dogs) and getting some exercise.

---
Mr. S

Well

it's a little earlier.

Getting caught up has been a real hassle for me.
Essays are my natural enemy ... and feeling like I'm at a disadvantage-- that's just as bad.

But, life goes on. I'm really worried/excited about where I'll be just a month from now.
I might be rethinking my life in a BIG way.
If this semester isn't turned around ... I'll be done with school. Forever.

What is it with me? Why do I have these barriers?
Oh well. I'm not going to quit until it's over, either way.

Coursework has taken over my life. I haven't slept very well lately; I haven't been eating very well. My finances aren't in the best of shapes.

I figure that will have been reversed by next Tuesday though, if I keep up my momentum.

---
Mr. S

No,

I don't sleep. :S

Another homework marathon. This should put me where I need to be though.

*sigh, what a relief.

---
Mr. S

Not sure

this even still counts as "today". But here is my post.

Why should it take me 12 hours to write one lousy essay?

---
Mr. S

I just managed

to finish some very important homework.

This research paper class has been hell on me.
An essay amounts to a test of confidence and discipline; and I'm not great with either category. I dislike everything I write.

I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. About commitment.

I've always believed that, if I only had confidence, I'd have discipline ... or visa versa.

I think it's fear that keeps me from discipline. I'm not lazy, not really. I like to work.
I like to use my brain (and yes, even my body) to get what needs done done.

But I'm worried.

I'm an independent person.
I don't mean that I'm contrary or stubborn.
I mean that I prefer to be alone, and that I prefer to solve problems alone. I don't like to depend on other people.
They let you down.

What I'm finding now is that I don't think I like to depend on myself, either.
Am I as worthless as I imagine? Am I trapped in some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy?

I think if I were to try and fail ... I'd end up crashing my already low self-esteem.
I don't know if I could survive that ...

There's been too much pressure lately. I'm cracking. I need to decide to try, and give it my all.
But even just thinking about that makes it hard for me to breathe.

How do I deal with this sort of worry?

---
Mr. S

Today

was mostly about work.

I did get some studying done though; I'm starting to feel a little better about this semester.

Tomorrow will be my first weekday! I'm really excited! I know I won't always be ... I guess I should cherish this while it lasts.

---
Mr. S

Today is the day that

I commit to being strong!

I can barely run a block without losing my breath and falling to my knees. It's time to change that!

And as for my progress--it's the weekend.
Saturdays and Sundays are spent at home (with my mother and father) in another city.
Dedication is a little more difficult here ... my parents judge me, so I try to keep a low profile.

This is why I swore to practice only every weekday.

I read a chapter for my research paper class, though. :)

---
Mr. S

I've thought

A lot about which goals I want to commit to here.

Three goals came easily:

I really want to develop some skill on my keyboard.
I want to learn to express myself that way.
The piano can be exhilarating, funny, emotional, romantic ...
It can be like doodling; that is, it can be a semi-serious, aimless style of creation.
I want to be a part of that.

I hereby commit to an hour of practice every weekday.
If I can't play, I'll read about playing.

I want to be a better student. It's been ages since I've ever really studied.
I'm under-performing ... and I feel terrible about that. I need to commit.

I will read everyday until I've passed the class ... I will not procrastinate. It's infantile.

Third, I will try to connect with women. It's been so long since I've even bothered ...

There's another part of my life I want to improve.
But I haven't figured out how I should go about committing to it yet.

---
Mr. S

First Post

Of many.

I lack discipline; I lack confidence. I choose mediocrity.

It's been a long time since I've really tried.

But that has got to stop. I have to change ...

I'll record my goals here--and post about the challenges I face. And about the progress I make.
I expect to be held accountable ...

---
Mr. S