Well

it's a little earlier.

Getting caught up has been a real hassle for me.
Essays are my natural enemy ... and feeling like I'm at a disadvantage-- that's just as bad.

But, life goes on. I'm really worried/excited about where I'll be just a month from now.
I might be rethinking my life in a BIG way.
If this semester isn't turned around ... I'll be done with school. Forever.

What is it with me? Why do I have these barriers?
Oh well. I'm not going to quit until it's over, either way.

Coursework has taken over my life. I haven't slept very well lately; I haven't been eating very well. My finances aren't in the best of shapes.

I figure that will have been reversed by next Tuesday though, if I keep up my momentum.

---
Mr. S

No,

I don't sleep. :S

Another homework marathon. This should put me where I need to be though.

*sigh, what a relief.

---
Mr. S

Not sure

this even still counts as "today". But here is my post.

Why should it take me 12 hours to write one lousy essay?

---
Mr. S

I just managed

to finish some very important homework.

This research paper class has been hell on me.
An essay amounts to a test of confidence and discipline; and I'm not great with either category. I dislike everything I write.

I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. About commitment.

I've always believed that, if I only had confidence, I'd have discipline ... or visa versa.

I think it's fear that keeps me from discipline. I'm not lazy, not really. I like to work.
I like to use my brain (and yes, even my body) to get what needs done done.

But I'm worried.

I'm an independent person.
I don't mean that I'm contrary or stubborn.
I mean that I prefer to be alone, and that I prefer to solve problems alone. I don't like to depend on other people.
They let you down.

What I'm finding now is that I don't think I like to depend on myself, either.
Am I as worthless as I imagine? Am I trapped in some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy?

I think if I were to try and fail ... I'd end up crashing my already low self-esteem.
I don't know if I could survive that ...

There's been too much pressure lately. I'm cracking. I need to decide to try, and give it my all.
But even just thinking about that makes it hard for me to breathe.

How do I deal with this sort of worry?

---
Mr. S

Today

was mostly about work.

I did get some studying done though; I'm starting to feel a little better about this semester.

Tomorrow will be my first weekday! I'm really excited! I know I won't always be ... I guess I should cherish this while it lasts.

---
Mr. S

Today is the day that

I commit to being strong!

I can barely run a block without losing my breath and falling to my knees. It's time to change that!

And as for my progress--it's the weekend.
Saturdays and Sundays are spent at home (with my mother and father) in another city.
Dedication is a little more difficult here ... my parents judge me, so I try to keep a low profile.

This is why I swore to practice only every weekday.

I read a chapter for my research paper class, though. :)

---
Mr. S

I've thought

A lot about which goals I want to commit to here.

Three goals came easily:

I really want to develop some skill on my keyboard.
I want to learn to express myself that way.
The piano can be exhilarating, funny, emotional, romantic ...
It can be like doodling; that is, it can be a semi-serious, aimless style of creation.
I want to be a part of that.

I hereby commit to an hour of practice every weekday.
If I can't play, I'll read about playing.

I want to be a better student. It's been ages since I've ever really studied.
I'm under-performing ... and I feel terrible about that. I need to commit.

I will read everyday until I've passed the class ... I will not procrastinate. It's infantile.

Third, I will try to connect with women. It's been so long since I've even bothered ...

There's another part of my life I want to improve.
But I haven't figured out how I should go about committing to it yet.

---
Mr. S

First Post

Of many.

I lack discipline; I lack confidence. I choose mediocrity.

It's been a long time since I've really tried.

But that has got to stop. I have to change ...

I'll record my goals here--and post about the challenges I face. And about the progress I make.
I expect to be held accountable ...

---
Mr. S