Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
---
Marty: And I came up over this dune, and I saw the ocean... and it was on fire. The whole thing, on fire, and it was beautiful. So I just sat there and watched it, and that's when I realized there might be a meaning to life, you know, like an organic power that connects all living things, God, Yahweh, I dunno.
---
Marty:
Yeah, I wasn't exactly raised in a loving environment.
It's not an excuse, it's a reason.
You know, my soul is empty.
It's up to me to fill it.
---
Debi:
Some people say forgive and forget.
Nah, I don't know. I say
forget about forgive and just accept.
And get the hell out of town.
---
Wow, I'm a little inspired. Weirdly profound movie.
All of these quotes mirror my belief system.
Mr. S
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Day 1
Going better than I expected. I haven't killed anyone yet.
Dad jumped me as soon as I showed up this morning ... Mom cornered me to chastise me about ignoring my phone ...
I nearly tore out all of my stitches--and I don't even have any until tomorrow.
Just taking it slow.
---
Mr. S
Dad jumped me as soon as I showed up this morning ... Mom cornered me to chastise me about ignoring my phone ...
I nearly tore out all of my stitches--and I don't even have any until tomorrow.
Just taking it slow.
---
Mr. S
Monday, September 28, 2009
Olives
Well, I don't know quite what to think.
My life is ... not. It's a mere, measly existence. I don't belong.
I'm tired and bored with everything.
I discovered yesterday that I love Spanish olives.
I've eaten two jars already (it helps that they're the meatiest food I've had for weeks).
It's nice to have that one little reminder that there are still discoveries to be made.
But I'm still lost. How do I find my adventure? How do I engage life so that it engages me back?
I step outside and all I feel is cold. Weary.
I used to believe in magic. Or rather, I used to believe that there was magic out there for me. How do I get that back?
...
Anyways, this next week is going to be all about a surgery. I'm having my gallbladder removed. Unfortunately, I'm having this done ... in Parentsville.
*shudder
---
Mr. S
My life is ... not. It's a mere, measly existence. I don't belong.
I'm tired and bored with everything.
I discovered yesterday that I love Spanish olives.
I've eaten two jars already (it helps that they're the meatiest food I've had for weeks).
It's nice to have that one little reminder that there are still discoveries to be made.
But I'm still lost. How do I find my adventure? How do I engage life so that it engages me back?
I step outside and all I feel is cold. Weary.
I used to believe in magic. Or rather, I used to believe that there was magic out there for me. How do I get that back?
...
Anyways, this next week is going to be all about a surgery. I'm having my gallbladder removed. Unfortunately, I'm having this done ... in Parentsville.
*shudder
---
Mr. S
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Blah
Yes, I have internet again! I forgot to pay the bill ...
Such things happen when you're not sure you should even get out of bed.
---
Mr. S
Such things happen when you're not sure you should even get out of bed.
---
Mr. S
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Clothes
I feel like I'm ready to make a few changes... ready to dress better, to take better care of myself... I'm just not fiscally capable.
I guess that should be my next project.
Finding a job that pays well enough I can buy pants that, you know, fit.
It may not seem like it, but this is real progress.
I grow my beard out when I'm depressed. It's been out for months now ...
It's to scare away women.
See, I don't want to 'almost meet a woman' when I'm unhappy.
Hiding behind a hideous tangle of fur is usually a good way to not even 'almost'.
Anyways, work next. Then me. Then a her.
---
Mr. S
I guess that should be my next project.
Finding a job that pays well enough I can buy pants that, you know, fit.
It may not seem like it, but this is real progress.
I grow my beard out when I'm depressed. It's been out for months now ...
It's to scare away women.
See, I don't want to 'almost meet a woman' when I'm unhappy.
Hiding behind a hideous tangle of fur is usually a good way to not even 'almost'.
Anyways, work next. Then me. Then a her.
---
Mr. S
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Habits.
I guess I'm falling into old habits here. *sigh
I wanted a break, to let the "poison" leave my system ...
But now it seems that that might be a bad idea.
Anyways, the break I want is something new. Not a lot of the old, uninterrupted.
---
Mr. S
I wanted a break, to let the "poison" leave my system ...
But now it seems that that might be a bad idea.
Anyways, the break I want is something new. Not a lot of the old, uninterrupted.
---
Mr. S
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A better description of the problem.
Well, it's been a while ...
I sort of had a very dark period there. In fact, I was thinking about suicide. Suicide ... can be very appealing when you are just plain shit-out-of-luck.
Luckily I know (and have always known) that that appeal is in fact superficial - it's the proverbial airbrushed supermodel.
It may solve all of your problems, but ...
My belief? You take who you are at the moment of your death with you forever.
Whether there's a God or not, who you are when you die is the only important definition you will ever give yourself.
And anyways, it's like throwing your arm across the board when you're losing the game. It's childish and downright silly. Selfish.
Mine is a funny brain. First of all ... I'm neurotic.
I believe that every problem can be solved with a better definition of the issue.
Obstacles are not road blocks; they're just another part of the puzzle.
So when I first hit upon a few basic ideas a while back ... I started to feel better.
There were three revelations:
1. Emotions are motivation. They're like vectors - they have both a magnitude and a direction.
2. I over-plan and consistently put myself under pressure at every step.
Which is disastrous as I have absolutely no confidence (so I cave under pressure).
3. My parents are relevant to nearly all of my crises. But, oddly, only as a team:
Dad is bipolar. It took me a very long time to understand.
(Why I wasn't told about his diagnosis before I was 18, I'll never know .... )
He tries to "solve" your hobbies, your problems, your plans, etc. when he is in a better mood.
He attacks and destroys (in whatever way he can) when he is in not.
I have come to understand this and so know to adapt certain behaviors when I am in his presence.
Mom, on the other hand, is ...
Well, she's having a very hard time letting go. I am her little boy ... it hurts her to think that I might not need her.
This is actually very endearing!
But ... I am a man. I have pride.
When I am corrected I feel as if I am being told that I am flawed ... and that hurts.
*sigh
I can usually remember that mom is really only saying that she might be useful to me.
That really, she only wants me to need her.
My parents. The two of them, individually, are trying but actually very easy to get along with.
Together ... my defenses overlap and I overload. I hide from dad and I get grouchy with mom.
To sum up my third 'revelation' - my parents influence me in a negative way.
Together they are my kryptonite.
(I see this as not being their fault, but my own.
Unfortunately (as a nasty trick of fate, maybe) it is, in fact, my responsibility to lead them. Not visa versa.
After all, I know that they cannot be trusted to take care of themselves.
It has been years since I've realized as much.
This knowledge has become, in fact, something of a mantra for the way I live my life.
"The Scorpion And The Toad".)
So, I felt better knowing these things. These, I thought, were things I could work on:
1. I embraced my desire to feel better about myself.
I began to look deeper, to feel deeper into how I felt about who I was.
2. I let go of my future - deciding to let it drive me for a while.
Rather than the other way around.
3. I ... well, I nothing. I had a job.
My non-permanent position was drawing to a close anyway.
All I had to do was wait and deal with it.
I think this is where I really started to fall apart.
Why my usual anxieties began to worsen.
Their insanity became a two-fold attack: I wasn't just hurting, I was letting myself be hurt.
Ughh ... well, I've sort of rambled on here. Like I said, I'm neurotic.
It's done now, though; I'm in the Tri-Cities again.
I have my own space again.
I'm starting to feel better - as I once theorized I would.
I don't know if I've made it clear or not yet; but I want to live. I mean, I want to thrive.
Do it all, see it all, learn it all.
I'm finally a little less tangled up ... and I hope (pray, really) that I won't trip again. :)
---
Mr. S
I sort of had a very dark period there. In fact, I was thinking about suicide. Suicide ... can be very appealing when you are just plain shit-out-of-luck.
Luckily I know (and have always known) that that appeal is in fact superficial - it's the proverbial airbrushed supermodel.
It may solve all of your problems, but ...
My belief? You take who you are at the moment of your death with you forever.
Whether there's a God or not, who you are when you die is the only important definition you will ever give yourself.
And anyways, it's like throwing your arm across the board when you're losing the game. It's childish and downright silly. Selfish.
Mine is a funny brain. First of all ... I'm neurotic.
I believe that every problem can be solved with a better definition of the issue.
Obstacles are not road blocks; they're just another part of the puzzle.
So when I first hit upon a few basic ideas a while back ... I started to feel better.
There were three revelations:
1. Emotions are motivation. They're like vectors - they have both a magnitude and a direction.
2. I over-plan and consistently put myself under pressure at every step.
Which is disastrous as I have absolutely no confidence (so I cave under pressure).
3. My parents are relevant to nearly all of my crises. But, oddly, only as a team:
Dad is bipolar. It took me a very long time to understand.
(Why I wasn't told about his diagnosis before I was 18, I'll never know .... )
He tries to "solve" your hobbies, your problems, your plans, etc. when he is in a better mood.
He attacks and destroys (in whatever way he can) when he is in not.
I have come to understand this and so know to adapt certain behaviors when I am in his presence.
Mom, on the other hand, is ...
Well, she's having a very hard time letting go. I am her little boy ... it hurts her to think that I might not need her.
This is actually very endearing!
But ... I am a man. I have pride.
When I am corrected I feel as if I am being told that I am flawed ... and that hurts.
*sigh
I can usually remember that mom is really only saying that she might be useful to me.
That really, she only wants me to need her.
My parents. The two of them, individually, are trying but actually very easy to get along with.
Together ... my defenses overlap and I overload. I hide from dad and I get grouchy with mom.
To sum up my third 'revelation' - my parents influence me in a negative way.
Together they are my kryptonite.
(I see this as not being their fault, but my own.
Unfortunately (as a nasty trick of fate, maybe) it is, in fact, my responsibility to lead them. Not visa versa.
After all, I know that they cannot be trusted to take care of themselves.
It has been years since I've realized as much.
This knowledge has become, in fact, something of a mantra for the way I live my life.
"The Scorpion And The Toad".)
So, I felt better knowing these things. These, I thought, were things I could work on:
1. I embraced my desire to feel better about myself.
I began to look deeper, to feel deeper into how I felt about who I was.
2. I let go of my future - deciding to let it drive me for a while.
Rather than the other way around.
3. I ... well, I nothing. I had a job.
My non-permanent position was drawing to a close anyway.
All I had to do was wait and deal with it.
I think this is where I really started to fall apart.
Why my usual anxieties began to worsen.
Their insanity became a two-fold attack: I wasn't just hurting, I was letting myself be hurt.
Ughh ... well, I've sort of rambled on here. Like I said, I'm neurotic.
It's done now, though; I'm in the Tri-Cities again.
I have my own space again.
I'm starting to feel better - as I once theorized I would.
I don't know if I've made it clear or not yet; but I want to live. I mean, I want to thrive.
Do it all, see it all, learn it all.
I'm finally a little less tangled up ... and I hope (pray, really) that I won't trip again. :)
---
Mr. S
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Galbladder
Galbladder problems again.
Bleh ... the timing isn't lost on me. It seems this place ... my parents ... really are trying to eat my soul.
"If I can't have you ... "
Ughh, I am quite done with this. Saw a doctor today, seeing a specialist next Tuesday. Then an appointment for a surgery.
Why can't I be normal for once? I'm always the different one.
The nonperm extension, the history at CBC, the girlfriend thing ...
If ever they write that how-to book on life--well, I just know that I'm the guy destined to be one that it won't help.
Damn, this thing hurts.
---
Mr. S
Bleh ... the timing isn't lost on me. It seems this place ... my parents ... really are trying to eat my soul.
"If I can't have you ... "
Ughh, I am quite done with this. Saw a doctor today, seeing a specialist next Tuesday. Then an appointment for a surgery.
Why can't I be normal for once? I'm always the different one.
The nonperm extension, the history at CBC, the girlfriend thing ...
If ever they write that how-to book on life--well, I just know that I'm the guy destined to be one that it won't help.
Damn, this thing hurts.
---
Mr. S
Friday, September 4, 2009
Where's the reset level button?
I had a galstone attack today. (Or at least, I think so. Dad says I may have a hernia.)
I feel like I've fallen into a puzzle/adventure videogame.
I have to figure out the puzzle before I advance ...
And this particular room?
I have a lighter, a bike and two black lab mixes; I can push the big box around, too.
I've been stuck for 6 years.
I think I might need to buy the walkthrough.
...
Anyways, I've been doing pretty well with the "focus on what I like about myself" angle. It seems to genuinely improve my mood.
I didn't get anything done with the keyboard today.
But I'm more sure than ever that this is the right hobby. I'll make it work.
I'm thinking I may even try to specialize in the blues ...
---
Mr. S
I feel like I've fallen into a puzzle/adventure videogame.
I have to figure out the puzzle before I advance ...
And this particular room?
I have a lighter, a bike and two black lab mixes; I can push the big box around, too.
I've been stuck for 6 years.
I think I might need to buy the walkthrough.
...
Anyways, I've been doing pretty well with the "focus on what I like about myself" angle. It seems to genuinely improve my mood.
I didn't get anything done with the keyboard today.
But I'm more sure than ever that this is the right hobby. I'll make it work.
I'm thinking I may even try to specialize in the blues ...
---
Mr. S
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Self-esteem
I hate myself right now ...
But there's something about me ... maybe something subtle ... that I've always sort of liked.
See, I know (and I've always known) that there's something of worth in me ... but I've never tried to define it.
I ask myself "what's wrong with me?" every. Single. Day.
Heck, I ask that question several times an hour.
But I've never asked "what's right with me?". Not until yesterday.
So ...
Whatever it is that I like sits between my shoulders. It's a way a carry myself, I think.
I'm soft. I can be tense, but that's very seldom the case.
I like Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip flops.
I prefer to be comfortable.
I like that.
It's not that I'm always relaxed. In fact, that couldn't be further from the truth.
It's that I prefer life to be simple; I like life easy.
This is something that I exercise at work. I make life easier for my coworkers wherever I can.
I do it for myself, too. I cut through the tough spots first; and then I coast through whatever's left.
It's an active, unlazy dedication to making life easier in any and every way possible--for myself and for others.
That's one thing.
I've always had a developed sense of empathy, too. I get a 'feel' for people. I can figure out how to like anyone.
Finally:
I'm eager for life. I want adventure, stories, a rush. I want to have fun.
Aside from these three ... I guess I should note that I'm a good thinker. I'm methodical; I'm good with puzzles.
I have a decent short-term memory, too.
But these particular skills have only been a source of tremendous, game-ending pressure.
I wouldn't do without them, I guess ...
But still, I don't really want to celebrate them here, like this.
They aren't things I've "always sort of liked" anyway.
So! Now to focus more regularly on these three characteristics.
I have got to remember that I believe I'm worth it.
If ever I waver I'll just focus on how much I want a partner in life ...
And I'm sure I'll find the will to push through.
---
Mr. S
But there's something about me ... maybe something subtle ... that I've always sort of liked.
See, I know (and I've always known) that there's something of worth in me ... but I've never tried to define it.
I ask myself "what's wrong with me?" every. Single. Day.
Heck, I ask that question several times an hour.
But I've never asked "what's right with me?". Not until yesterday.
So ...
Whatever it is that I like sits between my shoulders. It's a way a carry myself, I think.
I'm soft. I can be tense, but that's very seldom the case.
I like Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip flops.
I prefer to be comfortable.
I like that.
It's not that I'm always relaxed. In fact, that couldn't be further from the truth.
It's that I prefer life to be simple; I like life easy.
This is something that I exercise at work. I make life easier for my coworkers wherever I can.
I do it for myself, too. I cut through the tough spots first; and then I coast through whatever's left.
It's an active, unlazy dedication to making life easier in any and every way possible--for myself and for others.
That's one thing.
I've always had a developed sense of empathy, too. I get a 'feel' for people. I can figure out how to like anyone.
Finally:
I'm eager for life. I want adventure, stories, a rush. I want to have fun.
Aside from these three ... I guess I should note that I'm a good thinker. I'm methodical; I'm good with puzzles.
I have a decent short-term memory, too.
But these particular skills have only been a source of tremendous, game-ending pressure.
I wouldn't do without them, I guess ...
But still, I don't really want to celebrate them here, like this.
They aren't things I've "always sort of liked" anyway.
So! Now to focus more regularly on these three characteristics.
I have got to remember that I believe I'm worth it.
If ever I waver I'll just focus on how much I want a partner in life ...
And I'm sure I'll find the will to push through.
---
Mr. S
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Always about confidence
I broke a tooth today.
I called the dentist to schedule an appointment - but there wasn't anything available, they said; I'd have to travel to the next town.
This didn't sit well with Mom and she offered to talk to the insurance company herself ...
I did NOT want her to this. I was satisfied.
We had a bit of a tense argument.
I gave in --- and BAM!
She got me an appointment here, in city.
Made me feel like a damned fool!
Screw the insurance company, screw mom, and screw me. Aaargh!
I've been thinking.
I'm in no shape to be in a relationship right now.
But I want to be in a relationship. Right now.
I've been trying to let my desires drive me to the 'how' part (see yesterday's post):
Every problem I have ever had can be connected to my self-image.
I hate myself.
And I live in agony for it.
I want a girlfriend ... but I don't want HER to have ME.
Regina Spektor's On The Radio
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
Maybe this is the essence of what it takes to love somebody.
Mr. Shifters and I believe that love is a connection that comes from giving away a piece of your soul.
Maybe this is the piece that you give ...
Either way, it's not untrue that you need to love yourself before you can ever love someone else.
Self-study is a major part of my world. It's why I believe we are on this earth.
I've always thought that I have it in me to be redeemed.
Time to figure out why.
---
Mr. S
I called the dentist to schedule an appointment - but there wasn't anything available, they said; I'd have to travel to the next town.
This didn't sit well with Mom and she offered to talk to the insurance company herself ...
I did NOT want her to this. I was satisfied.
We had a bit of a tense argument.
I gave in --- and BAM!
She got me an appointment here, in city.
Made me feel like a damned fool!
Screw the insurance company, screw mom, and screw me. Aaargh!
I've been thinking.
I'm in no shape to be in a relationship right now.
But I want to be in a relationship. Right now.
I've been trying to let my desires drive me to the 'how' part (see yesterday's post):
Every problem I have ever had can be connected to my self-image.
I hate myself.
And I live in agony for it.
I want a girlfriend ... but I don't want HER to have ME.
Regina Spektor's On The Radio
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
Maybe this is the essence of what it takes to love somebody.
Mr. Shifters and I believe that love is a connection that comes from giving away a piece of your soul.
Maybe this is the piece that you give ...
Either way, it's not untrue that you need to love yourself before you can ever love someone else.
Self-study is a major part of my world. It's why I believe we are on this earth.
I've always thought that I have it in me to be redeemed.
Time to figure out why.
---
Mr. S
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