A better description of the problem.

Well, it's been a while ...

I sort of had a very dark period there. In fact, I was thinking about suicide. Suicide ... can be very appealing when you are just plain shit-out-of-luck.

Luckily I know (and have always known) that that appeal is in fact superficial - it's the proverbial airbrushed supermodel.

It may solve all of your problems, but ...
My belief? You take who you are at the moment of your death with you forever.
Whether there's a God or not, who you are when you die is the only important definition you will ever give yourself.

And anyways, it's like throwing your arm across the board when you're losing the game. It's childish and downright silly. Selfish.

Mine is a funny brain. First of all ... I'm neurotic.
I believe that every problem can be solved with a better definition of the issue.
Obstacles are not road blocks; they're just another part of the puzzle.

So when I first hit upon a few basic ideas a while back ... I started to feel better.

There were three revelations:
1. Emotions are motivation. They're like vectors - they have both a magnitude and a direction.

2. I over-plan and consistently put myself under pressure at every step.

Which is disastrous as I have absolutely no confidence (so I cave under pressure).

3. My parents are relevant to nearly all of my crises. But, oddly, only as a team:
Dad is bipolar. It took me a very long time to understand.
(Why I wasn't told about his diagnosis before I was 18, I'll never know .... )

He tries to "solve" your hobbies, your problems, your plans, etc. when he is in a better mood.
He attacks and destroys (in whatever way he can) when he is in not.

I have come to understand this and so know to adapt certain behaviors when I am in his presence.

Mom, on the other hand, is ...
Well, she's having a very hard time letting go. I am her little boy ... it hurts her to think that I might not need her.

This is actually very endearing!
But ... I am a man. I have pride.
When I am corrected I feel as if I am being told that I am flawed ... and that hurts.
*sigh

I can usually remember that mom is really only saying that she might be useful to me.
That really, she only wants me to need her.

My parents. The two of them, individually, are trying but actually very easy to get along with.
Together ... my defenses overlap and I overload. I hide from dad and I get grouchy with mom.

To sum up my third 'revelation' - my parents influence me in a negative way.
Together they are my kryptonite.

(I see this as not being their fault, but my own.
Unfortunately (as a nasty trick of fate, maybe) it is, in fact, my responsibility to lead them. Not visa versa.

After all, I know that they cannot be trusted to take care of themselves.
It has been years since I've realized as much.
This knowledge has become, in fact, something of a mantra for the way I live my life.
"The Scorpion And The Toad".)

So, I felt better knowing these things. These, I thought, were things I could work on:
1. I embraced my desire to feel better about myself.
I began to look deeper, to feel deeper into how I felt about who I was.

2. I let go of my future - deciding to let it drive me for a while.
Rather than the other way around.

3. I ... well, I nothing. I had a job.
My non-permanent position was drawing to a close anyway.
All I had to do was wait and deal with it.

I think this is where I really started to fall apart.
Why my usual anxieties began to worsen.

Their insanity became a two-fold attack: I wasn't just hurting, I was letting myself be hurt.

Ughh ... well, I've sort of rambled on here. Like I said, I'm neurotic.
It's done now, though; I'm in the Tri-Cities again.
I have my own space again.
I'm starting to feel better - as I once theorized I would.

I don't know if I've made it clear or not yet; but I want to live. I mean, I want to thrive.
Do it all, see it all, learn it all.
I'm finally a little less tangled up ... and I hope (pray, really) that I won't trip again. :)

---
Mr. S