I pressured mom to come and help me. I made her cancel her other plans and dragged her all the way down here to my apartment.

We worked on the application ... and now I just have to wait. I really need this job. Or rather, I really need the money. I WANT a job just like this.

Anyways, all that's left is to hope. I'm visualizing. This is going to happen ...


---
Mr. S

Got some stuff done today.

I feel ... so completely unfocused. I can't seem to muster any strength.

Oh well. I still figure I'll turn this around somehow.

---
Mr. S

My mom sort of let me down again today.

She made plans to visit last weekend.
She ended up having to reschedule.
I told her I was sorry to hear that.
I told her I had been looking forward to it.
And actually, I wasn't lying about that.

So we did reschedule--
But now she's let me know that she can't make it this weekend, either.

There aren't really a whole lot of people I can depend on in this world.

My parents, my sister ... her ... even Mr. Shifters ...
They've all let me down at one point or another.

(Not that I blame anyone in some specific way.)

It's just that my faith in people has been whittled down by shit like this.

I look ahead and I honestly do not know if there is anything I want from this life.

I guess I know that there's plenty I don't want--death, grief, hunger, destitution ... loneliness.
But then ... that stuff is all I can really count on, isn't it?

Today wasn't so good.

I mean, I did play the 'learn-Japanese' game.
I spent about an hour on the keyboard, too ...

It's just that I feel very removed from life.
I feel like a visitor in my own skin. Very little is real or important to me.
It's as though I don't have a reason to stay ... and yet I don't care to leave.

---
Mr. S

I spent some time with my keyboard today. I feel like I'm making progress, so that's good.

I also 'dusted off' an older videogame I used to play--one designed to teach you to read Japanese. It's amazing how much I remember.
I can think of worse ways to wile away my time.

Here's to taking life as it comes.

---
Mr. S

So, who am I?
Up until now I've only been a collection of dreams. The sum of who I wanted to be.

I need to take a good, hard look at myself. What do I really want? Or, rather, what do I want that I can really have?

This is an important issue and requires some serious deliberation.

---
Mr. S

So I have all these ideas about who I want to be. Unfortunately, today just wasn't the day for that sort change.
I didn't do a hundred sit ups or build a mook jong. I didn't study a new language or read any Shakespeare in front of my bathroom mirror.
What I did do today, though, was tidy up the kitchen AND wash the dishes after making myself some spaghetti.
It's not exactly the stuff of heroes, but I'm feeling pretty good about my baby step.

In other news, I'm still exhausted; and I'm still avoiding a few chores.
I HAVE gained literal and metaphorical strength over the last few days though.

I'll be ambitious again soon. I'm sure of it. :D

---
Mr. S