I just managed

to finish some very important homework.

This research paper class has been hell on me.
An essay amounts to a test of confidence and discipline; and I'm not great with either category. I dislike everything I write.

I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. About commitment.

I've always believed that, if I only had confidence, I'd have discipline ... or visa versa.

I think it's fear that keeps me from discipline. I'm not lazy, not really. I like to work.
I like to use my brain (and yes, even my body) to get what needs done done.

But I'm worried.

I'm an independent person.
I don't mean that I'm contrary or stubborn.
I mean that I prefer to be alone, and that I prefer to solve problems alone. I don't like to depend on other people.
They let you down.

What I'm finding now is that I don't think I like to depend on myself, either.
Am I as worthless as I imagine? Am I trapped in some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy?

I think if I were to try and fail ... I'd end up crashing my already low self-esteem.
I don't know if I could survive that ...

There's been too much pressure lately. I'm cracking. I need to decide to try, and give it my all.
But even just thinking about that makes it hard for me to breathe.

How do I deal with this sort of worry?

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Mr. S